“It’s better to burn out, than to fade away”
In case you can’t tell, I’ve been procrastinating. Procrastination is a funny thing, it’s usually done to avoid doing something boring, painful, awkward, or a combination of all three. In my case this past week, I’ve been procrastinating writing this post which in turn has motivated me to complete a number of normally productive and equally boring things, keeping my boss happy and getting a few items off my “To Do” list. Unfortunately, all “good” things must come to an end, so here I sit trying to find the words to write this post. Since I can’t think of a witty intro to this post I’m just going to delve right in, hold on this might be a bumpy one.
This past week I received a call from a good friend of mine, and immediately I knew something was wrong. After some bumbling, he finally spit it out; a mutual acquaintance of ours had committed suicide over the weekend. I sighed in relief, and instantly felt a wash of guilt hit me. I certainly wasn’t happy this guy was gone, but when you know something bad has happened your mind immediately goes to those closest to you. My friend on the phone had to “go for a walk” upon hearing the news, and here I am worried about those closest to me? Talk about getting a glimpse of your darker side.
To be honest the news didn’t surprise me, this guy had his fair share of demons. Despite my best effort over the past few years I was always kept at casually polite distance, I respected that and we fell into a comfortable back-and-forth cadence that maintained his privacy and my need to be cordial. Being in the same circle of friends however, you pick up pieces of information about people bit by bit and the puzzle picture starts to get clearer. After my initial guilty reaction, I probed for more information but there wasn’t much available. It wasn’t accidental, and very much premeditated.
After some consolatory phone calls, and putting the kids in bed, I had some time to digest the news. It was starting to really hit home. I was saddened at the loss, then angry at the selfishness of it and how it brought my own selfish thought to light….which made me embarrassed and more angry, then depressed, then concerned for those around me….etc. etc. Since that time I’ve come to a quiet acceptance about the whole thing, but I was definitely sent for a loop this past week.
Saturday is the wake, and things are getting back to normal, slowly but surely.